Grief is a universal experience, but each person experiences the process very differently.
Lance Danko is a member of Millbrook Baptist Church. He has had to say goodbye to several family members in the recent past, but that is not what got him involved in their GriefShare program.
Lance tells the story this way, “We had come out of church one day and my wife looked at me and said, I had a vision of you working with people that were grieving while we were sitting in church.”
This was late in 2021, before the church had started GriefShare. Lance has a background in working with Hospice patients and families and had been part of several support groups for caregivers and oncology patients in the past, so the Lord had already begun to prepare him for this new role.
A couple of weeks after Lance’s wife shared the vision she had experienced, Millbrook’s Pastor publicly shared his burden for a ministry or support group for grieving people. It was a clear sign that this was something for Lance to be part of. Once they returned home, Lance and his wife talked more about being part of a group to help people walk through their grief and loss. They prayed about it together and Lance began jotting down ideas he had for the group. He had yet to speak with the Pastor about being involved.
Once Lance had his thoughts organized, he sent them to his Pastor in an email. The Pastor’s response? “We need to talk after church on Sunday.” This was the first time Lance had ever communicated directly with him. A couple of other women from the church were also sharing the same burden for GriefShare and soon, they were meeting with the Pastor and Lance to discuss launching this important ministry.
The first GriefShare group met at Millbrook in January 2022. About a dozen people came the first night. How did it go?
“That first night, I remember riding home that night and we couldn’t even speak,” Lance said. “Our hearts were so heavy, but it was amazing to see in that first class as we progressed through the 13 weeks just how much it really helped people and how they began to open up and encourage one another. You could just see something switch.”
The goal of GriefShare is to walk alongside of people through the process of mourning to joy. The weekly meetings include a video, discussion, and conversation about the workbook topic from the previous week. Who participates? People from high school age to age 80 have been part of the groups at Millbrook. They come from all diverse backgrounds, religions, and life experiences. What do they all have in common? Losing someone they love. As the sessions continue, some of the participants form bonds that go beyond the group meetings and become deep and lasting friendships.
Lance said, “We make it a point, we don’t rank or compare losses. One person’s loss is not greater than another. But there’s that commonality when you hear people talk about what they’re thinking or what they’re going through. Inevitably you’re like, wow, I feel the same way. You can really identify with them and that’s what makes it so powerful ‘cause people realize I’m not alone, I’m not crazy. Other people think the same way I do and feel the same way I do.”
He also is quick to point out that, “Everybody grieves differently, it’s like a tangled ball of emotions. One minute you may be laughing, one minute you may be crying. Just understanding that what they’re going through is normal helps to really relieve the stress and anxiety associated with it. We also see that there’s no time limit to grief. It does hurt and you do have to work through it. But it does get easier eventually. “
What about friends or relatives who try to push people through the process? Lance said that is one of the issues they address directly.
“We tell people how to handle those things. How to extend grace to people who really mean well, but sometimes don’t come off that way,” he said.
GriefShare topics include: Is this Normal? Challenges of Grief, The Journey of Grief, Why? Grief and your Relationships, Guilt and Anger, Stuck, Heaven and What do I live for Now? You do not have to attend the 13 weeks in sequence because each session is self-contained. You can simply pick up any sessions you may have missed the next time GriefShare is offered.
I have focused on the GriefShare group meeting at Millbrook Baptist in Aiken, but please note that there are at least a dozen churches offering this crucial resource around the CSRA. You can easily find a group at www.griefshare.org.
Lance and his wife of 28 years have personally benefited from leading a GriefShare group.
“It has changed us as people. It has changed our relationship and our marriage. It’s drawn us closer together,” he said. “It has made us appreciate each other more and sometimes, the things that would have been a big deal are no longer a big deal. It’s made me more intentional in my interactions with her and with other people. It’s such an honor and a privilege to be involved in a ministry like this. People coming and going through such a difficult vulnerable time. And they’re so broken. To see them get beyond that and to move forward is so tremendous and it’s so rewarding.”
