Leadership and Parenting

Two weeks ago, as I looked at the calendar, I realized that if my parents were still alive, it would have been their 76^th wedding anniversary. On such a day, I reflect upon my parents and the influence they had upon me. However, it is only recently that I have come to realize that although I have spent a large majority of my military and academic careers in leadership positions, it was my parents who shaped the leadership ability and skills I have at a very early age. While I did not know it at the time, observing how they led our family provided the best leadership lessons I ever learned, despite the significant amount of leadership training I have received since. In today’s column, I would like to share what I learned from my parents, that I believe made me a better parent and a better leader.

1. Servant Leadership: Ideally, I hope all parents demonstrate servant leadership to their children. Servant leadership occurs when a leader prioritizes the needs and development of their “team members” over their own needs. I constantly saw my parents sacrifice for me and my sister. Whether it was my father working a third or fourth job or my mother depriving herself of a new coat, it was always so that their children could participate in activities or attend a better school. While I never consciously thought of what they did as servant leadership, it definitely led me to adopt this philosophy as both a parent and an organizational leader.

2. “Mucking the Stalls”: In our house, we all had a lot of chores to do. It would have been easy for my parents to assign the worst ones to the kids. However, my parents always did the most undesirable chores themselves. Their example showed me that if they could do the worst stuff, I can at least do my part. As I became an adult, I came to calling the worst parts of any job “mucking the stalls” (i.e., cleaning defecation from a horse stall). My parents showed me that if, as a leader, you were willing to do the worst jobs, your team members would be willing to do just about anything else. Any time I led an organization, no job was beneath me, and this helped me better lead others.
3. Guardrails and Delegation: Good parents and good leaders provide guidance and support when needed, but also give their children/people room to make mistakes, fail without major consequences, and grow. My parents were always there when I needed them, but they also made sure I did not always need them. They gave me tasks to do and let me learn by doing without providing too much help or coming down on me if I did not do it well. This allowed me to learn to both deal with failure and to learn from my mistakes. Good leaders do this as well by delegating tasks to their people when they are ready.
4. Don’t Just Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk: Although great leaders tend to be very good communicators, that was not so true of my parents. Sure, they often told us what to do, but more often they led by example. If they told us to behave or comport ourselves in a certain way, they made sure they were role models of that behavior. Too many parents and leaders are hypocritical in telling their families or people one thing but acting in another. Good parents and good leaders do not just tell you what to do, they show you how to do it.
5. Empathy and Compassion: My parents were both very tough. In particular, my father had very high standards and held me accountable for the things I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do them. However, both of my parents knew that there were times to ease up. Good parents and good leaders demonstrate empathy and compassion, particularly when their people are trying their best and bad things happen out of their control.
6. Trust and Respect: Good parents and good leaders demonstrate that trust and respect should go both ways and that respect should always be given and trust should be earned. While my parents demanded I show respect, they acted in a way that made it easy to respect them. They also believed that they were constantly earning my trust, and I should be doing the same. As a leader, I found this to be critical. I treated all the people in my organization with respect and acted every day in a way that would hopefully earn their trust. Without respect and trust, your tenure as a leader will be short-lived.

I have learned throughout my life that parenting and leading an organization have a lot in common. I was fortunate to have parents, who, without knowing it, were excellent role models, both as parents and leaders. I hope you can take the lessons I learned from them and apply those lessons to better lead your organization.